Thursday, December 2, 2010

Sleepless Life

Am I destined to not sleep? Can one be predestined to never get enough sleep. Why me? I ask myself. I'll be on my way and the slightest noise, the heat coming on, a change in temperature, the asshole that lives above me walking back and forth, back and forth right over my head, the floor boards moaning, dropping something just as I'm falling off. Then I'm up and agitated, my mind working overtime, my heart racing, my jaw clenching, my anxiety level sky high.

I wonder how I can live in a small box with people on top, people underneath and sideways, everywhere. I long for open spaces, tranquility, peace and quiet. Blissful peace and quiet. Is that possible in this world and if so where is it? Where can I go to get a good night's sleep?

I feel a big change coming on and wonder how it will take form. I resist it. I long for it. I need it. Desperately. More than you'll ever know. Things that I've done for years I don't want to do any more. Or at least change the context. Or the location. Or the audience. Or me. I want to be something else. Not someone else. I just want a new life, a different life, a more fulfilled life. Perhaps this is all a new beginning and the inner stirrings to make the change happen. I don't know. But I'm going to find out.

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